Rewriting the Bible: Creation

The origins of mankind, of our planet and of the species of animals, plants, trees and insects is documented at the very start of the Old Testament of the Holy Bible, a book held in the highest regard by Christians the world over (despite the numerous denominations changing their interpretations of what passages mean) and is still believed to be 100% factual, 100% truthful and 100% undeniable by those that follow in the light of God. This process is known as 'Creation' with its followers known as 'Creationists'. So what is the story that so many people believe to be true despite massive amounts of evidence on the contrary? This is what it is:

Day One
On the first day of God's 6-point-plan of making a loving, peaceful, tolerant world, he created 'light' and 'darkness', without any mention of a source from whence the light will come from, by a simple voice command, and proceeded to distinguish between the two, calling one 'day' and the other 'night'. He then went to bed, proud and content at his laborious 24 hours as Grand Architect of the Planet called Earth.

Day Two
God, being new to the job and having overexerted himself on the first day, decided to take it slower and so, on the second day, He just created the sky to separate the waters above from the waters below. He saw that he was doing a great job, so with a pat on the back and a self-high-five, he retreated to the comfort of his bed and went to sleep with plans in his head.

Day Three
God awoke with a spring in his step on the morning of the third day, and immediately set about working. He saw that the waters were too unruly and too slapdash for his liking, so commanded the water, again via a voice command, to congregate in one area. The water became the seas, the non-water parts became land, upon which he commanded all forms of grass, plants and trees to grow. However, His tendency to plunge headfirst into impressing those around Him caused a major rookie mistake; the plants starved, the grass wilted and the trees went without sustenance. We know this to be true as the Sun wasn't created yet. (See Day One)

Day Four
God, whilst tossing and turning in his giant bed the previous night, awoke to the startling realisation that his error the day before would look bad to the board of directors. He ran out extra early to correct this by spending all his energy throwing stars – too many, if you ask me – into the sky, along with two giant spheres, unnamed of course. The bigger of the two caught fire while he went out for a cigarette. However, like most people, he acted like it was working as intended. God hastily hurried home with pencil and paper as inspiration had struck as to what to put onto the planet he had, thus far, turned into his back garden.

Day Five
God awoke on the fifth day with an arms length To-Do list, so after a morning espresso, God set about filling the planet with living creatures. Knowing this to be a two day job, he decided to start with his favourites first – the birds and the sea-dwellers. In retrospect, being the last cog to go into the mechanism known as the Earth probably was the first warning that living on land would only end badly. After a hefty session at the magic sewing machine and the mystical anatomy-insertion table, God was ready to open the giant cage that had held all of the birds and all of the fish. He gave them permission to fornicate and reproduce, then upon seeing their happy faces – as well as a bird or a fish could convey emotion – thought it was a job well done. He went home that night tired, weary and very proud, and had the best night sleep in a while.

Day Six
Day six had arrived. By this time, God had used almost all of his energy and materials into the previous five days, so decided to knock the rest of the work out in record time. Taking his needle, his thread, his dyes and his back o' bits, he created all kinds of animal; Some ugly, some cute, some tall, some short, some bouncy, some lethargic and some that could even talk when they ought not. He then looked in the mirror, saw that he was a stunner despite the hardships of this internship, and made man and woman in his own image to people the Earth. They would hold dominion over all of the animals he had just put the finishing touches to. He instructed them to use the Earth as they choose, allowing them to eat, gnaw, chew, nibble, gobble and consume whatever they saw. Thankfully, they didn't go near the lethal plants and animals that would otherwise have poisoned or mauled the Earth's first couple. God saw all he had accomplished in six days – one short of his contracted week – and with a tear in his eye, said "Farewell" to those below him, packed up his things and went home for a well-earned sleep.

Day Seven
The Seventh Day was a day of rest, relaxation and reflection, despite him being all-powerful. He, being the Creator of All Things, felt it was His right to put his feet up and zone out for a while. After all, He had just made an entire planet.

And that is how the world came to be. Unless you read a little further and read about how the real order of events went like so:

MAN ----------> ANIMALS ----------> WOMAN

So which one was it? In the first chapter of Genesis, man and woman were created at the same time after the animals, yet not even one whole chapter later, we're told that man, known as Adam, was alone on the Earth, then animals were made to keep him company. Later, a woman, known as Eve, is made from the rib of Adam to help with the mundane task of naming every single animal. Surely, a few more would have made the whole process go a lot quicker? Only God knows why.

And while we're on the subject, there is a point I would like to make. For those who have read Genesis, you will notice that God wants, rather vainly, to make humankind in his own image. He wanted every single person that spreads across the face of the planet to look like him, to be part of him and to have his qualities. So why is there so much hatred between people nowadays? There is no mention of the race or ethnicity of the people that were put on the Earth to begin with, possibly because none existed back then; everyone started off the same.

At the root of it all, we are all the same, whether we like it or not, yet countless wars, genocides, massacres and forced segregations are conducted in the name of God. How can this be when on the very first chapter of the book that some of the worst perpetrators of destruction this planet has ever seen claim to be the only book needed for salvation, their God specifically says that all shall be made in his image? Is it too much of a leap forward for the religious adherents to this old, rather violent and misogynistic book to think that, if everyone is God's children made in his image, that killing them would not get you any favours from the being of which they fear so wholeheartedly?